Infertility changed me.
It introduced itself in a doctor’s office, ran over me with sharp and cunning negative tests, prodded me with needles, opened me up on a surgical table, taunted me with reminders of empty cribs and empty arms, and gave me lots of hope and lots of letdowns within 24-hour periods.
Infertility made me skeptical at the process that should be natural. It made me go from a crazy woman who obsesses over ovulation kits to the person who couldn’t care less and became bitter at the world in certain moments. It made me hate being a woman each month. It made me hate ever trying.
Infertility sucks.
The thing about me is I’ve never kept it a secret. I’ve never wanted it to be shameful or something to hide. Women go through it–and it should NEVER be a stigma. And no woman or man should go through it without lots of support, lots of conversation, and lots of vulnerable moments and self-awareness. Without this blog to vent to, without my husband and my family and in-laws and amazing friends and social media circles I would be by myself in a locked bathroom with a minus sign on a stick, wondering why the darkness is so…dark. But there is light amongst friends.
Infertility needs to be in the light.
For my husband and I, infertility has impacted our lives for four years now. I know there are so many who have struggled longer and my heart aches when I think about it. We have done it all. Ovulation kits, weird diet plans, fertility treatments, surgeries, blood tests, ultrasounds, more tests…should I go on? And each time you hold your breath, get excited, plan the nursery…and then six months go by and it’s still nothing.
Just a little while ago I have felt prompted to stop fertility treatments that we have been doing once a month. On top of that, I have been reminded of the first thing I wrote on my “bucket list” as a little girl for a school assignment in fifth grade and something that had been a goal of mine ever since. Adopt a baby. I told my husband about my desire for adoption when we were dating, and he loved the idea. At the time, we saw it as something we’d do when we were older, had a few biological kids, and had more money saved in the bank. But alas, Heavenly Father laughs when we make our own plans.
He’s got something better.
I realized recently, with the reminder of my sweet husband, that the strong desire that prodded my young heart over a decade ago was the preparation I needed to recognize it when the time came. THIS is the way our children will come into our lives. THIS is the plan for us. As soon as we made the decision–as soon as we looked each other in the eyes and said this was the path we were going to take– peace overcame my heart.
I haven’t felt that kind of peace in a long time.
The comments have already begun– “Don’t you want your OWN children?”, “Are you hoping you’ll get pregnant once you adopt?”– but that’s to be expected when something a little more unique happens compared to what usually happens with a young couple. But more importantly I think, is the realization that I’ve had SO many people deeply and genuinely care. We have already had an enormous display of love, generosity, prayers, shares on social media, and messages that warm our hearts and fill our eyes with tears. I am humbled at angels on earth. The rest doesn’t matter.
The day I chose adoption–the day my husband and I came to the fork in the road and recognized the path it would take to find our baby–was the day I learned that God’s will is often hidden behind our own plans. And all we need to do is ponder, pray, and open ourselves up to accepting something that may not be what we thought was originally in the cards for us.
As young kids we tend to learn that life follows a plan. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage. But sometimes, life is funny.
Maybe first comes love, then divorce, then love again, then lots of step kids. Maybe first comes many years of single life, then a great career, and the choice to steer clear of any baby carriages. Maybe first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes lots of struggle to get that baby for the baby carriage. Who the heck knows. Life is not a picture perfect map.
We just draw on our blank canvas as we go along and connect dots along the way.
Choosing adoption, in my life, wasn’t giving up on my body or throwing in the towel. It wasn’t “settling” for someone else’s child. It was simply recognizing that God has bigger plans than my own, and along the way He prepared my heart for it. He built in me the capacity to want it. I’m so grateful for lessons like that.
We’ve decided to start the process now to earn funds since adoption isn’t cheap. By September we’re hoping to have the funds necessary to get on the list and work with the organization we’ve chosen to find the beautiful addition to our forever family. We’ve set up a GoFundMe page that is already serving as an amazing blessing for us because we can’t do it alone. For us, it literally takes a village to bring in a child. And we couldn’t be more grateful to be a witness to that.
I rarely ask for favors because 1) Sometimes I have too much pride and 2) I don’t like using my blog as a platform for personal charity. BUT my family is my priority and I’m sharing this as much as I can to get closer to our baby. If you aren’t in the position to donate I TOTALLY understand–but if you will, my biggest favor is please SHARE. Since I’ve kept this blog I’ve seen the power of social media firsthand and THAT would mean the world to me more than anything else.
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Thank you for sharing in this journey with me and for being kind enough to read, to comment, to share, and to encourage.
Infertility is one of those things that can feel so lonely, amongst so many other trials, some of which you may have right now. But together we share in it, we talk about it, we sit together and cry a little and laugh a lot. We keep walking, keep choosing to go forward, and keep choosing God’s will. THAT is what makes it all worth it.
That is what I’m so thankful for.
all our lemmony things 
Thank you for sharing the journey that led you to adoption. The adoption arena has drastically changed since I adopted my first child in 1978, Went on to adopt 9 more special needs children and became a child advocate and an adoption professional. But it starts with a leap of faith. So happy you have made that leap. And whether or not you adopt one healthy child or take a different path, that doesn’t matter because it is YOUR journey.
My only advice is what you are already doing: follow your own instincts and promptings from your heart.
I hate when people make adoption sound like a back up plan. Of course it’s wonderful to be able to have biological children, but it’s so, so wonderful to be able to provide safe and loving homes to children who otherwise wouldn’t have that option. To be able to help children who would have a rough life on their own is such an amazing and selfless gift to give. I’m so glad that you’ve found a route to take to lead you to your children. The babies that are brought into your family and home will be so blessed by your caring nature! Congrats!
Reblogged this on 8ways2.
I had deja vu reading this. When I was a kid I decided I would adopt. After many years of it popping into my head randomly and then getting married and telling my husband we should ‘one day’ adopt, however it wasn’t until the doctor said no that I realized how God had prepared me for this all along. How much He loves me, us, each of us. It brought such peace. Two beautiful daughters through adoption later, and I am so glad of His plan. His awareness of me. I know you will be blessed by following His plan as well. Good luck. Adoption is an amazing rollercoaster. You can do it!
“But alas, Heavenly Father laughs when we make our own plans.” Our own lives changed not long ago when my husband was laid off. I had quit my job and we had moved to Utah so he could find work and I could homeschool our kids, but he hasn’t been able to find work, so I went back to work. And now, it seems Heavenly Father is telling us this is the way it needs to be right now. Being okay with it takes more time and I love how you pointed out how the Lord prepares us for these challenges – though often the biggest challenge is explaining to well-meaning people why we’re deviating from the norm. Congratulations and good luck, and thank you for your inspirational words.
My nephew and his wife fostered 3 beautiful children, 1-5, all related (same mother , 3 fathers). They adopted them after a few years (getting all parties to agree) and then were sealed in the Temple. The foster system may be an option you might want to look into. They are in Pocatello Idaho. Just a thought.
Thank you for sharing your journey! You might look into your states Foster / Adopt program. It is really a great program. That is what Sandra Bullock did to get her new daughter. I know that Heavenly Father has a magnificent plan for you –
Congratulations on finding your path. I’m certain that you’ll both be such a blessing to each other and I’m very excited for you. You’re an amazing woman!
My husband and I chose adoption . . . and it has been a wild, joyful, terrifying, wonderful ride ever since. May the Lord bless you and the little ones who join your family!
Kayla, I have felt your pain of not being able to have children. It hurt every time I went to church. I cried many tears over it. It was when I was in the doctors office hoping to be pregnant that a voice told me I would adopt my first child. Everyone’s path is different so my story is just that, my story. You have yours and everyone has their own. The thing I know for sure is that when we trust in the Lord and do what He tells us to do, then we are blessed beyond measure and we feel joy. You want children and you will have them as you continue to seek them and they will come the way God intends for them to come. We adopted our first and our last and I gave birth to 3 in between. It took me 8 years to get pregnant. It’s been quite the journey of learning to trust in the Lord and growing closer to Him in the process. Thanks for your blog!
I stumbled upon your blog recently and I am so glad that I did. Your words are always inspiring and uplifting and you have a way of expressing yourself that makes me wish I could write like you. This post brought me to tears because it mirrors my own life in so many ways. I too suffer from endometriosis and infertility. One day we realized that we wanted a family and it didn’t matter how children joined it. We chose adoption five years ago and our lives have turned out infinitely better than I could have ever planned. We now have two little energetic, perfect boys. The best advice I received during the adoption process was that your baby will find YOU and to trust in God’s plan. I am so excited to read more about your adoption journey in the future. Best wishes!
My heart goes out to you both. I’ve never experienced the incredible difficulty that is infertility but have been close to a handful of couples that have. However I’m commenting because I have been on the other side of the adoption equation as an LDS birthmom. I don’t want to be discouraging during a process that I know is painful and difficult, but I’d be remiss to not share a bit of my experience with you. My son is now close to being an adult. I’ve been extraordinarily fortunate to enjoy an open adoption with him and his adoptive family since he was 10. He’s well loved, well cared for, and I’m privileged and deeply and profoundly comforted to know those things and get to witness his life. Though I’m nothing but supportive of him, his family, and his adoption, I deeply regret placing him for adoption. Not every birthparent feels the way I do or experienced what I experienced. I was a rape survivor and was convinced both by leaders and by myself, no worthy priesthood holder would marry me, my son would not ever have a celestial family or the priesthood in his life, and I was led to believe I was irreparably damaged, too damaged to be his mom. Over time all of those things proved to be false as I married in the temple and had children with my husband. But I was told whatever needed to be said to convince me to relinquish my son. Be aware as you go through this process you will encounter birthmoms and birthdads who are making this life altering decision based on similar false beliefs. I hope with all my heart you are able to locate a child that comes from a family that truly has no chance of being raised by his or her family of origin. Though I was only 17 when I placed my son I was far more capable then than I was after the devastation of losing him. Everyone around me suffered needlessly because of it and though I know it’s inevitable, if I can help prevent that same scenario just once or twice I’m obligated to try. You both seem like wonderful people, and I wish you the very best for your family.