When God doesn’t show up

Today in church a newborn baby was blessed.

In my church, how a baby blessing works is the father will hold the baby in the center of a circle of family and friends and a prayer is said for the start of the little one’s life. Today something that was said in the blessing caught my attention.

“I bless you to always feel Heavenly Father near and His love for you,” the sweet dad said.

Wouldn’t that be nice?! My inner thoughts said back. And maybe there are some of you who legitimately have the gift of always feeling Him near and knowing without a doubt that His love for you is bigger than life. *If so, I totally want your life.*

But I wasn’t born with that gift.

Instead I was born with a skeptical little heart that I have to hold at bay now and then, and a talent for working really hard at things and not giving up, even when my insides aren’t really feeling it. I’ve always been embarrassed about that.

Why does it feel like sometimes I just got the short end of the stick? Why do some of my trials feel like a really personal blow? Why, when I’ve spent years praying for something, it feels like a brick wall is listening instead of a loving Father in Heaven?

Why does it feel like sometimes God chooses to just not show up?

alone on dock

As painful as it is to talk about, as embarrassing as it is to talk about weaknesses, I know I’m not the only one. Don’t worry, you don’t have to admit to it. I’ll take the fall and maybe you’ll relate along the way.

I was so blessed to be able to attend Time Out For Women this weekend, two nights filled with messages, music, and heart-to-heart honesty about trials, overcoming, and patience in the storms of life. All of the messages touched me deeply, but it wasn’t until Michael McLean, a wonderful singer and song writer, took to the stage that I suddenly felt like the Savior himself took my hand and wanted to deliver this very personal message straight to me.

TOFW.jpg

I won’t cover his whole message because it was long and you would fall asleep halfway through the blog because I wouldn’t be able to tell it as beautifully as he could. But long story short, Michael had a decade-long faith crisis. During this crisis of faith, he didn’t let anyone know what was going on internally or the doubts that singed his heart. He continued to go to church, he continued to write music, he kept going to the temple with his wife and joining in on family prayers. But he felt, all along, like he was in the darkness. And then one night he had a dream, in song of course, and he woke up and wrote the music that he heard in the dream.

“I choose to pray to one who doesn’t hear me. 

I choose to wait for love that He conceals.

And though God’s chosen now not to be near me, 

I’m keeping promises my heart no longer feels.”

I wouldn’t consider myself to be in a faith crisis that lasts years upon years like Michael and some others have experienced–but I have had pockets of moments, sometimes pockets of days or weeks, where these lyrics are what my heart would say while in the midst of the dark.

I felt that moment three years ago when my husband told me over the phone that Dad was just given nine more months to live. I still remember sitting against a vending machine, unable to stand, praying in a room that wouldn’t even echo. I felt nothing come back to me.

hug on bed

I felt that moment when the doctor said the word “infertility” and my prayer to be a mom fell on seemingly deaf ears.

I felt that moment when the only members left on my side of the family left the church and my prayers for them to stay seemed completely meaningless.

I have stood, alone and utterly broken, wondering why God decided not to show up when I needed him the most.

I have lived these moments.

And yet–so has He.

savior in garden

And although I’ve always known it, it wasn’t until I was reminded the other night that I put the pieces all together. Jesus–the Savior of the world, the perfect man, the CREATOR of the galaxies–was literally left alone. In his greatest hour of need Heavenly Father stepped away from Him and took away his presence completely.

Why did he do that to his only son? His perfect son??

Yes, it’s because he loves us so much. We’ve all heard that answer and we’ve studied it in Sunday School manuals.

But another answer is one we don’t think of that often. Heavenly Father had faith in Jesus.

He had complete faith that in the moment when Christ felt most alone, in that moment when there was darkness and emptiness and no voice whispering back, in that moment when the Spirit had left and the pain was immense and the blood stung his eyes–he decided to pray anyway.

jesus praying

He decided to do the Father’s will anyway. He decided to keep His promise ANYWAY.

So what more can I do? What more can you do?

Because of the Savior we will never be truly alone.

We might feel it–we might get a taste of what the Savior felt in Gethsemane as he cried to the Heavens and was later pinned to a cross on a lonely hill. But in those hours of feeling it, we need to do what Christ did when he was actually, truly alone and didn’t have God near by.

We need to pray anyway, even when we don’t get an answer back. We need to keep our promises, even when we don’t feel like it anymore. We need to love Him, even when we don’t feel very loved in return. Because in those moments, those little moments where our eyes put a roof on our perspective and we can only see a few feet ahead–

In those moments He’s counting on us to choose Him anyway.

pryaing

Life is so hard. There’s a million things we want and a hundred things we need and it’s so easy to see his hand in other’s lives and a little harder to see him working in ours. It’s so hard sometimes to watch our kids leave the church and to take the sacrament at church while feeling like it wouldn’t make a difference anyway with how terrible it has all been. It’s so hard to feel like you don’t have any friends you can talk to and to get on your knees to pray, only to cry instead, feeling like there isn’t anyone on the other end of the receiver. It’s so hard to deal with an empty home or a too-full home where you have no time to breathe. It’s so hard to deal with a spouse who has fallen away, an addiction that seems unbearable to handle, or a calling in life that makes you the one people go to for spiritual strength and there’s no time in the world to fall apart.

Life is so hard. I know.

But we have to keep going.

He has faith we’ll love him, even in those empty patches. Even in those moments where we’re almost completely convinced that He isn’t there.

If you’re in a crisis of faith right now, don’t try to convince yourself of anything. Just choose to keep going forward. Your faith won’t always be perfect–mine sure isn’t.

But He has perfect faith in us.

And for now, here in the dark, that’s enough light to hold on to.

“Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.” -John 8:12, KJV

candle

169 thoughts on “When God doesn’t show up

  1. Thank you once again for sharing. I have enormous respect for those who keep on simply because they know they should.

    1. Because they should? Says who? This is brainwashing at its best. You should leave because your heart tells you to. That is all. Mormons astound me. So easily manipulated. Let those words sink in.

  2. I choose to pray to one who doesn’t hear me.
    I choose to wait for love that He conceals
    And though God’s chosen now not to be near me,
    I’m keeping promises my heart no longer feels.

    So perfect. Thank you for this. I’ve got to find this song.

  3. I sat in on a thought provoking discussion today, where a man described when as a carpet cleaner he was asked to cleanup a blood spot about 18 X 24 inches. It took him about 1 1/2 hours to complete the task. He then asked us to contrast and ponder about the effort the Savior went through to clean up after each one of us.

  4. Kayla,

    Your blog hits very close to home as I was having some of those empty feelings today while attending church with my daughter and grandkids. I serve as a Ward Mission Leader in my ward, working with the missionaries on a weekly if not daily basis and am impressed both by their desire to serve and their naive young minds in thinking that many will actually do what they tell them they will do. I also see missionaries that are told to challenge each new contact to baptism on their first appointment (which doesn’t make sense to me, but hey I’m no mission president) and then see the disappointment on their faces when they can’t get back with them for a follow up appointment. While serving in the missionary program can and does help to strengthen ones testimony, for me, I too have those moments of “why am I doing all this again?” Look, I consider myself a blessed man, even if everything is not exactly the way I thought it would turn out, and even in that acknowledgement of my many blessings, I too battle from time to time, thoughts that do not try to lead me forward, but rather encourage me to take a different route. I just wanted to share with you that your post today was the words I needed to hear and I thank you for your honest and heartfelt blog posts. I look forward to each one you publish!

  5. We should really get together. There is much I could learn from you, and I have insights to share.

    Along with massage, I specialize in finding answers to spiritual questions. Things that the Spirit has shown me are quite amazing and are a testament to our Father’s and Savior’s infinite love for each and EVERY sinner that has walked, or ever will walk, this earth—-a conundrum that has challenged my testimony to its core; how could Father seriously love someone that He knew, KNEW, was never ever ever ever going to accept the Savior’s Atonement? We are told that He knows all things—-even the End from the Beginning (2nd Nephi 9:20; Abraham 2:8). All things implies “every detail”. Does our Father know our individual lives in great detail? Do we believe that? If we believe that, then we should fear nothing, for we know that His work is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man (Moses 1:39). Unfortunately, something happens; we ALL make mistakes, we make choices that belie our true potential—-our highest and best. By so doing, we distance ourselves from our Father, even ever so slightly, and we put chinks in our armor, allowing the adversary a way to cause doubt in our Heavenly parentage. When the adversary tries to fill us with shame of being imperfect, we need to take the position of Nephi:

    27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

    28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul (2nd Nephi 4:27-28).

    The adversary would shame us into believing there is no hope for ANYTHING (even the deepest desires of our hearts), while guilt would show us where we need to improve and encourage us to change for the better and push forward, seeking to draw ourselves closer to our Father and repairing chinks in our armor—-thus limiting the influence over us that the adversary seeks.

    In short, a knowledge of the opponent’s tactics, a basic understanding of how the Atonement works, and faith that our Father in Heaven knows the end of our life from the beginning will provide us with a greater ability to awake and rejoice.

    All things in our life have been designed to help us achieve our highest and best, and it has been done by One that is completely perfect, the Grand Architect. All things are precisely as they should be.

    Your point is valid, and I have a quote that fits your position:

    “If you’re going to have faith, you can’t just have it when the miracles happen; you have to have it when they don’t.” ~Unknown~

    I very much enjoyed reading your post.

    Tyler J. Pincock, BS, LMT

  6. Kayla, I just had a thought I’d like to share. In my experience and through my interactions with other people over the past 8 years, I’ve learned those who want children and can’t have them cherish them the most. Even those kids who aren’t theirs. They learn to cherish all the little moments so much more because they know what it’s like to not have them.

    Perhaps you and Matt are going through this trial because you have a passion for words and writing. You’ve put yourself in the position to touch lives as you share your story, your feelings and God needs people to do that. In a world where there is so much wickedness and so much hardship, He needs people on His side who can reach out and lift others.

    I know what you’re going through is so tough and it’s such a righteous desire. You guys are trying everything you possibly can to fulfill your roles as parents and I know that time will come for you. Whether it be through adoption or a miraculous conception, it will come. But in the meantime, you can keep touching others’ lives and sharing the gospel, the light of Christ as you do.

    You are stronger than you know, and in the end I know it will all be worth it.

  7. Google Michael Wilcox’s BYU-Hawaii devotional “Bread or stones: understanding the God we pray to.” I loved your post and have had lots of those thoughts myself, and this talk has been my light in the darkness. It makes so much sense to me.

    1. Emily – I can’t thank you enough for your suggestion of Brother Wilcox’s devo…thank you for being my light in darkness 🙂 This devotional talk I will cherish and plan on teaching to my children – since it was something I could have greatly benefitted from in my youth.

  8. I have no words.
    Your post is about something very different but its still somehow an answer to my prayer from last night, its the very first time I get such a tangible answer. Im beyond grateful kneeling in a puddle of tears.
    God bless you for being a tool in his hands.

  9. Kayla– this is absolutely BEAUTIFUL! You captured Michael’s message so well. I had the opportunity to hear him at the Layton TOFW event, and when I saw the heading I instantly thought of Michael’s TOFW presentation and Laurel Christiansen’s presentation that I had the opportunity to hear this past weekend at the Long Beach event, which was equally amazing. You have captured the essence of BOTH of them so well! I am very grateful to have found you and your blog.

    For anyone who missed the event in Idaho Falls, Michael McLean AND Laurel Christiansen will both be presenting at the TOFW in Logan, Utah, next September 9-10. In addition, there are several other presenters that will be there with equally powerful messages. If anyone knows someone who needs to hear these messages in person please let them know about the event in Logan. If you know of someone who needs to be there but may have difficulty due to distance or cost, please let me know and I will do what I can to help make it happen for them. These talks were so powerful for me and I want to help make it possible for my ‘sisters’ everywhere to have the blessing of hearing them in person!

  10. I appreciate you sharing your perspective. I know a lot of people will and can relate. I think it’s also important to point out that those who choose to leave the church when faced with a crisis of faith are equally as valuable and good. It’s okay to admit you don’t know, and it’s okay to say “this isn’t for me.” Just like it’s okay to ride it out!

  11. Oh sweetie, God has never, and will never, not show up. He is always there. I don’t know why you feel you can’t find Him, but I promise you He is there. Do you remember an old poem “Footprints”? God replies to a man’s plea as to why in his darkest times there was only one set of footprints, “My son, when you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you.” You are always cradled in His arms and close to His heart, always. much love Jori

    1. There are those of us, who have done everything we have been told, prayed and prayed, studied, read, been obedient, and still feel spiritually deaf. I muddle through as RS pres. right now, always wondering as I pray if I will ever get guidance and direction on how to serve. I thought at least I’d get guidance for how to help others if not for myself. I appreciate this post so much. I know God is in my life, I just can’t feel or hear Him the way everyone talks about. I choose to believe anyway. But it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. Sometimes I think in life my great test is to see if I will be obedient without the spiritual confirmation everyone else gets. I see that it is a very good way to live – I am sure the Gospel is truth and that living it supports and lifts life to a better and higher plane. I see the good it does in the world. I see the blessings in my life – especially in hindsight. And yet I still hope someday to be not quite so spiritually deaf as I am now.

      1. Although the article addresses a lot of my feelings, your reply made me think someone else gets it. I feel like my normal is to feel utterly alone, but then I have a few rare experiences (usually when I never even thought to pray) where I have to believe I was helped. I feel that I am always guessing, with mixed results that make it impossible to “recognize” when it is the Spirit. People tell me I was an answer to their prayers and I am glad, but things seldom work that way and I have never felt I was being prompted. Assuming every thought is inspired doesn’t work. I’m certainly not so good every idea is golden. I feel that I somehow never qualified for the basic membership benefits of the “club” although I don’t know why. But like you, I keep trying. I believe and hope, but it is hard. If I knew this was my trial, I’d be even more hopeful and sure that it is not deafness. But of course I worry that I’m just making excuses. I believe one reason we don’t hear many who feel this way is that they don’t keep coming. Thanks so much for sharing!

  12. Thank you, thank.you, thank you for sharing.  I had the opportunity to hear Michael McLean at the Layton Ut TOFW.  I felt the same and so as appreciate his forthrightness. I shared this with my daughter too who hss been going through a faith crisis for better than 5 yesrs. Thank You!Val Spade Sent from my Sprint Samsung Galaxy Note5.

  13. I think many trials do feel deeply personal because they ARE specifically deeply personal. That’s the whole point of character growth. It’s harder to grow when the trials aren’t personal. And when they are, it’s easy to feel targeted by God, because in a way you are. He is giving you a trial He knows perfectly well is personal. But it’s exactly that keeping on anyway that brings on the growth and greatness. You do have a beautiful way with words and this is such the perfect thing to remember – I hadn’t thought of it, God leaving Christ, that way before. I had thought of it so that Christ might understand what we go through without the constant deep presence of God but…that He has faith in us to go it alone…that’s just the thing I need to remember when I get another trial that’s personal.

  14. Thanks for your blog post! It was really touching. I have a condition called Endometriosis and something that goes along with it is infertility so I feel like I can relate. If you have this condition and would like a support group to join I really like one called Nancy’s Nook Endometriosis Education and discussion on Facebook.

  15. Kayla, you my dear are a gift to many! You seem to strike at the heart of every age with your insights. I wish you were my neighbor and we could cover each others lonely days. Thank you so very much! Please keep sharing you God given gift.

  16. I have been feeling alone on my journey of life. With my own children choosing to leave the church and I and my husband feeling like we have failed as parents. Especially me their mom. Your message is a tender mercy of the Lord for which I am
    So grateful for. I love being a Mormon I love this church. It is hard but you made it easier for me to pick up my cross and walk my own Golgotha . Thank you for your message of hope and love. I choose to go forward in faith even blind faith so that I may stand in the presence of our Heavenly Father and our Savior one day❤️. I’m smiling as I write my thoughts because of you. Thank You😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

    1. Even our Heavenly Father, who is the greatest parent of all, had a child who chose a different path. I’m sure you are awesome parents. Our children are free to make their own choices and sometimes they aren’t what we know is best for them. Just keep loving them, praying for them, letting them know they are loved by you and Heavenly Father, and being a great example. I know it’s hard, but don’t beat yourself up for their choices.

  17. He knows us personally and does not ever leave us. Many times we leave Him but He has His hands, arms and Love waiting for each of us. The adversary will influence us if we let him, but keeping Him central in our lives will keep us on the strait and narrow. Thanks so much for the blessing of your words and insight.

  18. Thank you for sharing. My family and I have had and are having similar experiences. To look at it from a different view point has been very helpful.

  19. I was at TOFW too. Incredible weekend. I too was very touched my Michael’s willingness to hear his soul to help others. One of the things he said that I wrote down. “If God, the greatest of us all, could step away having faith in Christ that he would keep his promises & choose to follow His plan, then can’t we have faith in Jesus Christ?” Loved it.

  20. While rehearsing the Messiah (words from Isaiah) I’m noticing the words, “Surely, He hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.” We ask ourselves, “Do I really believe this?” and I can say, “Yes, surely I do.”

  21. A quote from C.S. Lewis’ “The Screwtape Letters” In which a servant of the devil writes letters to another servant ‘out in the field’ (so “Enemy” refers to Jesus Christ as He is the enemy of Satan )

    “He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”

  22. Heavenly Father had to leave Jesus alone so that he could fully atone for us. All through His life on earth he had His Father with Him that is something we don’t have. Once we crossed the veil we left His presence, Jesus didn’t until that night in Gethsemane. He had to know what that felt like so his Atonement could be fully what we experience, so His Atonement could succor us fully. He can succor His people because He has fully felt their every pain, even the pain of the loss of His presence. This is a beautifully written piece and I thank you for sharing it with us. I pray you continue to have hope and continue on in faith!

  23. This is great, but I scrolled through and never saw the actual name of the Michael McLean song. I know many would love to have the title so we could purchase it. 🙂

  24. Thank you for sharing! It was though I was reading my own thoughts! I have been through a rough patch myself and this has given me some hope! Bless you for being that bright spot I have so needed.

  25. I can appreciate this article for all those who struggle feeling the power of the Holy Ghost in their own lives. Honestly every time I have ever knelt in prayer I have always felt that someone is listening. When I have needed help with one of my children after their 7th major surgery before the age of 18months, the many times I have knelt in prayers for my two sisters and also myself when each of us found out our diagnosis of cancer at very young ages. Even very sudel prayers to help me find my keys or something else I needed. I have faith that He hears those prayers and everyone else’s. The answers I receive might not come right as I’m kneeling or even months or years after those prayers. Sometimes they do though by those comforting feelings. The impressions left by the Holy Ghost, the gift we all received when we were baptized. I see it like this, our Eternal Father is just that but we’ll also be the great judge at judgement day, that’s why the Savior came to stand with us and plead our case, much like a good brother would do to a Father that is trying to figure out the truth about a matter and the Savior of course is the one who makes it possible for us to be forgiven and progress closer to our Eternal Father, then there is the Holy Ghost! He is the one we can feel everyday here on earth. That’s his job, to bear record of the presence of the Eternal Father and the Savior in our life! I feel His warm comforting presence when I’m completely overwhelmed or afraid, sometimes while I’m praying and other times I feel this in a thought that comes to mind. In my own life I defiantly can’t say that God doesn’t listen to my prayers. I have always felt that. I have felt at times like i have turned my back on Him and haven’t been praying in earnestness to Him or a number of other things. He’s always listening to his children just as he did with Jesus during his hardest time but I always understood that the Father and the Holy Ghost had to leave Him for a short period of time so the Savior would know how it felt for those sinners who are not worthy of the Gift of the Holy Ghost in their lives at the time they were committing sins. The Savior wouldn’t have known those feelings without that short period of time in his own life because he was perfect and always worthy of the Holy Ghost. I do know that in times of doubt continue to pray moving forward closer to Him. Stay worthy of the Holy Ghost and pray more and read your scriptures more. This has always helped me through the hard times in life!

  26. This post was the Savior taking MY hand and delivering to ME a very personal message. I wish I could personally thank you…I think we would have a lot to talk about since it seems we have some similar trials in common. I stopped writing because of how weak my faith has become…Bless you for writing these words my heart has been desperate to hear.

  27. Thank you for one of the most insightful essays on the Atonement I have read in a long time. I am speechless with the thoughts that are going through my mind. All I can say is thank you, as seemingly inadequate as that sounds.

  28. I hear you. It’s odd, but while I just can’t seem to feel it – when I think about it, I can see it. I feel – little and insignificant, and probably a disappointment, but then I see all the beauty there is – I don’t know how to say this – not just for me, but the beauty that just is. Even though I might feel like I slipped in with all the people who actually had tickets for it. One thing is this: I wonder if fish feel water. If they know that they can’t fall down. If they even know what “fall down” means. My son worried about his testimony before his mission – did he have one? He didn’t feel it. But he was a fish inside his testimony – I certainly saw it in every choice he made. He couldn’t feel it, I thought, because it was the world he lived in. If he had LOST it, he’d have felt that. So that’s what I conclude about myself. Though I do not actively, as my BYU roommates often mentioned in their testimonies, feel HF’s arms around me, I choose to believe that they are there, and so to be grateful for every single tiny gift. Pretending he meant them for me. Hoping he does. Waiting for the moment to come when I grow up and actually know something. And that day will probably not come till I am done here.

    In the meantime, I bet my life that he does. As simple as that.

  29. I really, really needed to read that. Those were my exact thoughts as I drove home today, praying out loud feeling like there was no one there listening to me. I feel like my life is crumbling around me and all I have left is prayer and faith that I will get through this trial too. Thank you for being brave enough to share!

  30. you are, were inspired to write this, and post it. I haven’t ever read your blog but a friend of a friend of a friend posted it on facebook. at just the right moment. an answer to an “unanswered” prayer. Thank you. and yes, please post the name of the song.

  31. Thanks for sharing. Your post reminds me of a powerful talk given by Elder Holland given in the October 1996 General Conference. (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/the-peaceable-things-of-the-kingdom?lang=eng)

    My favorite quote from this talk is
    “Yes, peace is a very precious commodity, a truly heartfelt need, and there are many things we can do to achieve it. But—for whatever reason—life has its moments when uninterrupted peace may seem to elude us for a season. We may wonder why there are such times in life, particularly when we may be trying harder than we have ever tried to live worthy of God’s blessings and obtain His help. When problems or sorrows or sadness come and they don’t seem to be our fault, what are we to make of their unwelcome appearance?

    With time and perspective we recognize that such problems in life do come for a purpose, if only to allow the one who faces such despair to be convinced that he really does need divine strength beyond himself, that she really does need the offer of heaven’s hand. Those who feel no need for mercy usually never seek it and almost never bestow it. Those who have never had a heartache or a weakness or felt lonely or forsaken never have had to cry unto heaven for relief of such personal pain. Surely it is better to find the goodness of God and the grace of Christ, even at the price of despair, than to risk living our lives in a moral or material complacency that has never felt any need for faith or forgiveness, any need for redemption or relief.”

  32. I have to say that I lived a life on and off like this. I also have to admit that after some searching, praying, and reading the New Testament, I had my eyes opened. To Jesus. To God. He is enough. Either He saved us completely, or He didn’t at all. Pondering on this, along with other things, I was awakened to the reality that it is not works that get us to God. It is His Grace. I deeply encourage you to study the New Testament. Really question, seek Him out. Truth is not afraid. Truth is not ashamed. I promise that doing this will open your eyes, and you will feel a different relationship. You will feel a relief, knowing that He is enough. We are nothing but sinners. Nothing that we do can save anyone after this life. We are nothing. Jesus is the only one who has this power. Who was I to assume that my works were saving someone?! I’ve since found a new religion. It is a religion of Jesus Christ, and His words. God bless you, and I genuinely pray that you will come to know Him as He wants you to.

  33. Thank you so much for these beautifully written words. I’ve been there too and have needed this so desperately. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. Thank you for your testimony.

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